Free Advice for Marketing Managers

If we could do one thing for folks looking for to increase their Interactive ROI, it would be to free them from the tyranny of traditional ad agencies posing as Interactive Marketers. Toward this end, we provide the following free-of-charge.

[insert date]

Dear [insert agency contact here] –

I know this will come as somewhat of a shock to you, given our long-standing relationship. So I hope you are sitting down. This will be more painful for you than for me.

Let me begin by saying this: I think you are in general a decent person. To be sure, you are certainly a good-looking professional. When I first visited your office(s) in [insert name of highly-priced city or posh section of town situated in the heart of said bustling city], I was truly impressed. From the post-modern d'cor of the reception desk, to the marble fa'ade, to the ubiquitously svelte and painfully-hip staff, I was quickly thrust into the ether. It has been [insert span of time] since then, and I can tell you I am still amazed at the quality of professionalism extruding like barely-viscous ooze from every pore of the stripped-brickwork in your showroom conference room. And the view of [insert monument or body of water of significance] was undeniably incredible. As for the coffee and the catered lunch: all I can say is they were also top shelf. I was so impressed in fact that I was relieved when we signed on with your firm. In a sense, looking back on that day, my sense of relief was not dissimilar to how I felt last time I purchased a car. You know what I mean' you hate yourself for signing the papers for fear of having been skunked, but rationalize it a million ways 'til Sunday nonetheless. You just bite the bullet to get it over with, take the keys, and drive off the lot before you give your more prudent self the opportunity to change your mind (which would be really embarrassing). Anyway, I think you guys really do have a lot to offer the right client. In particular, you guys clearly have a great handle on print. I mean some of the work you've done for [insert name of impressive client] is true genius stuff. And that infomercial you guys filmed for [insert has-been 2nd-tier celebrity] in [insert name of really, really expensive city' preferably on the Mediterranean] was top-notch. I have often wondered how much you charge for something like that. I mean I have been awake late at night enough to know that a good infomercial is not the easiest thing to produce. Especially given that TV-advertising is like a lost art or something. Anyway, you guys are the real deal when it comes to out-moded traditional advertising. Hell, on the way back to [insert name of conveniently located airport], [insert name of best-looking opposite gendered "resource" who picked you up from and drove you back to said airport] pointed out several billboards you guys had done. I don't mean the cool new digital billboards' no, I mean your good old hideously lame traditional eyesores billboards. Again, your grasp of old media is really unparalleled. I would also be remiss if I didn't comment on how, even for an older [guy/gal], you are one hip baby-boomer! I mean the t-shirt and jeans with sport jacket reminded me a bunch of the show Thirty Something! I often wonder if the characters in that show were based on you or whether the show was your inspiration to go into advertising in the first place. Oh well. I guess I'll never find out! Also, another query I have is this: is the corporate dress code still going to be black on black next year? If not, could you send me your old digs? I have a wine and cheese tasting party to attend [later in the year/early next year]. Also, what does rent run you guys on that [old/brand new] building? Or do you own it outright by now? The overhead has got to be crazy! I can't imagine how you guys manage to pull down the cash you do.

Anyway, please let this serve as notification that we have decided to part ways with your way too fu***** expensive esteemed firm.

I suppose you will want some sort of explanation. And while we don't owe you any such thing, given the amount of money we have been tossing overboard into the endless pit that is your accounts payable department, I will go ahead and enumerate our rationale as succinctly as I can:

You guys suck at Interactive – I should have known, to be honest. Sure the artsy stuff you provided, and the "wireframes" (do actual interactive pros really use that term?) were ok (though, come to think of it, is PowerPoint really the best prototyping software out there? I really hated how you guys would send over 4-13MB files through my email like trying to drive a semi tractor through a urethra, by the way.) and provided a sense of excitement about how swimmingly the production process would go. Imagine my surprise when I found out that the site was coded so as to be near-completely invisible to the search engines. When I brought it up, our account executive manager associate seemed shocked. Well, shocked might not be the right word' confused would be more like it. (She/He) had no clue what I was talking about when I mentioned some of the things I had learned regarding the problems Flash and JavaScript can cause relating to SEO when improperly used. Anyway, I was a good sport and asked that it be taken care of' you know to remove the Search Engine Cloaking Device off of the site you guys had just cobbled together/total hack job built for me. Good God, don't get me started about how much you scam artists highly-knowledgeable interactive marketers traditional advertising professionals billed me for the piece of crap site you created! Can you imagine how pissed I was when you guys invoiced me for fixing the pile you hoisted on me with my own money? I feel sick every time I think about how blind I was to your lack of knowhow business model. I feel like I pretty much subsidized your sorry-arse company while you learned about web development, etcetera. I am starting to think that maybe you outsourced our project to someone's [nephew/niece/neighbor kid].

Anyway, I really believe in letting bygones be bygones. I really do. But I've had enough. You produced a crappy site, took a ton of my money, billed me for every second (and probably more) at an incredibly expensive rate of [insert hourly-rate for which you have been raped] per hour, and I have decided not to throw any more of my cash down into that black hole. I am happy for your [husband/wife/life-partner], who is no doubt driving the very best imported hybrid. But I just can't finance your watch collection any longer.

In short: I have found someone new. Someone who won't rob me blind or blow smoke up my rear. Oh, and they are actual interactive professionals' that's all they do' that's all they've ever done. They're better. They're faster. And they're leaner. Oh, did I mention they actually know what they're doing? Or that they don't give a crap about "perception", preferring results instead? Take your billboards, magazine ads, newspaper ads, tv ads, infomercials, and invoices and shove them up your [insert noun of choice].

Yours,

[insert name]

PS. Give me my money back.